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I really love Penny, my five year-old Labrador Retriever, but while I lay here in bed trying desperately to fall asleep she’s curled delicately on top of my wife’s pillow doing her best imitation of an exploding lumber mill. Normally the dog is further from my sensitive ears near the foot of the bed but my wife is in the next room with my son who’s still recovering from a virus. And Penny is an opportunist.

Anyway, this animal really knows how to pass air through her nostrils. I’m tempted to pull the pillow out from under her and smother her with it but then the guilt might also keep me awake.

My wife says I snore worse than the dog but I’ve heard no evidence to prove this theory.